You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
