My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
