It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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