The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
