i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
