I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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