i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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