We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
