I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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