Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
