i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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