Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
