remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
