the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
