I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
