listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
