i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
