Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
