My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
