On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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