Soap is not a condiment
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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