So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
