Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
