No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
