fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
