I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
