it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
