I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
