i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
