i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
