wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
