i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
