she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
