He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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