I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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