This dress was meant to end up on your floor
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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