I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
