420 ftw
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
