Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
