Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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