It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
