I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
