Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
