You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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