nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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