so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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