and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
