apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
