Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
