so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
